Just yesterday I was admiring how the screen directors of
the Harry Potter movie were able to
depict the phoenix. The awe I got when I understood what it looked like to have
this animal explode into nothing and up from the ashes. We all have those
moments. When life explodes and up from the dirt one has to dust oneself up and
go.
I was trapped in one of my dark and hard places. Where I
don’t want to see or interact with anyone. Luckily I have friends; my friends
made it their effort that as much as depression had sucked me in, I had to keep
breathing. Every time they called I was either dragging my body around waiting
for the day to end or I was sleeping. I hid in the flat and I slept so much
my bones started to ache. I didn’t want to open the curtains to see daylight.
Because that meant people were going at their dreams and I was the only one
defeated in life. I sat there with no ambition or goal to even live.
Then I realised that as the days went by I keep betraying
the driven woman in me and placing the weak woman first. The weak me needed to
pack her bags and leave. I know that there are plenty commitments that had me
drained. But also feeling like there was no actual value I was adding to people
around me in the spaces I am placed in, started to choke the very essence of
me. I yearned for the heavy blanket of worthlessness to fall off and for the
real me to enjoy the sunlight that is my calling in life. I wanted for so long
to be one with it. A friend of mine was saying to me but you looked like you
were having a blast on Social Media. I think as human beings we can fake so well
on Social Media that people assume it’s the real deal. Social Media is not the
real thing. It’s selling a fairytale for most people. So while I sold my story
those around me, lapped it up like a thirsty dog drinking water on a hot day.
The reason for this blog post is to say, one doesn’t need to
stay down for too long. I was always sure that my dark whole would have to
change soon. I knew that there bills to be paid and life had to resume and the
only way I could press the resume button was to change something around me, so
I went out and bought new linen. There it was, my little change was my
emancipation.
